Relationships between humans are like the bonds between molecules. For chemical reactions—the forming and breaking of bonds—to occur, certain conditions must first be present.

Four Conditions for Genuine Connections and Relationships

1. Common Space,
2. Shared Experience/Memory,
3. Attention/Energy (MOST IMPORTANT),
4. Lack of Expectations.

1. Common Space

First, Common Space. This condition is straightforward. People need a space—real or virtual—to meet. Even if Person A and Person B are the most compatible in terms of interests and personality, without a common place for interactions, they will never meet. Every person we pass on the street could be our soulmate—someone who resonates perfectly with us—yet, without a safe and secure space for interactions, no connection can be formed.

2. Shared Experience/Memory

Second, Shared Experience/Memory. Even for the people who have the potential to get along, a kind of shared experience is needed. This shared experience can be real or perceived. Many of our closest relationships are made in school because it provides both a common space for interactions and shared experiences of classes, club activities and lunches. These experiences and memories lay a foundation on which trust can grow, and genuine connections can be made.

Identity is also a kind of shared experience/memory, albeit a perceived one. Knowing that somebody attended the same school or grew up in the same city creates a sense of closeness or familiarity, even if you have never actually interacted before, or even had completely different experiences. Nonetheless, that perceived shared experience still contributes to the forming of a connection.

Note that shared experience/memory is not necessarily a prerequisite. It can be created along the way.

3. Attention/Energy

Third, an Outward Flow of Alert Attention/Energy. Even when the first two conditions of a common space and shared experience are met, without the outward flow of attention towards the other person or the topic of conversation, a genuine connection cannot be made. Returning to the chemical reaction analogy, there is a certain level of activation needed before chemical reactions can take place, and only molecules with energy exceeding the level of activation energy proceed with bonding. In the same way, only people who channel sufficient energy and attention can form a genuine connection.

I am sure you have been at a table where, despite everyone being physically present, individuals are entirely consumed by their phones, and no real conversation or interaction is taking place. No connection is being formed despite the common space and shared experience because there is no attention or energy from either party on each other.

This activation energy barrier stems from the vulnerability of being seen and judged. When we engage with other human beings, we are putting ourselves in a position of being criticized, and that is a scary feeling. Overcoming that requires energy. Putting ourselves out there is hard, but it is necessary for the forming of connections and relationships.

This activation energy barrier is also due to empathy. To empathize and understand someone else takes energy, and we are not always ready to channel it. That is why we feel uncomfortable and exhausted when people tell us about their personal lives or trauma dump on us when we are not ready to receive them. Knowing people takes energy—sometimes, a lot of energy.

Wonderful things happen when a group of people with outward flowing attention/energy gather at one place. I recently experienced this in New York City at a 222 experience, an IRL social app where you do activities and connect with total strangers. Everyone who was present was out that night to make connections with other people. I felt like I was floating in a sea of outward flowing attention. People were actively listening to each other and taking turns participating in the conversation, which fostered genuine connections. I remain in touch with some of the people I met from 222.

Despite being from such vastly different cultural backgrounds and believing in different philosophies, I was able to have such genuine conversations. It was in New York City where I realized that we do not need to share similar hobbies or interests to connect with one another. We just need to be open minded and pay attention. With an open, outward flow of energy, beautiful conversations and connections can be born. Genuine connections are made when people remove the projection of expectations from their ego and are simply present in the moment to have conversations, understand, and connect.

4. Lack of Expectations

And that brings me to the final condition, Lack of Expectations. A genuine connection or relationship is one in which you see people for who they are—not who you want them to be. A huge reason why a genuine connection can only really be made IRL is because it is the only way you see people face to face, when you aren’t seeing them through a filter of your imagination or expectation.

The overwhelming projection of expectation is why dating apps and social media fail to foster genuine connections. You almost never find genuine connections through dating apps. We are such complex and deep beings that cannot even be fully understood in real life, let alone through words and pixels in a profile over a screen.

What profiles do is creative narratives about how people should behave or appear. When someone deviates from the expectation, we are busy getting upset and disappointed, instead of being open to the kind of conversations and connection we can make. The other party also feels this pressure to conform to the expectation projected onto them. Genuine connections cannot form when you have such heavy expectations. And one reason I believe 222 has been a largely positive experience for its users is because it gives its users no room to form expectations. I did not know who I was going to meet—not their gender, interests, background, or even their names—and what follows is a true, authentic interaction.

In summary, to bring people together and forge genuine connections is to fulfill the four conditions: To provide: 1. common spaces for people to come together, 2. cater to the making of shared experience/memory, 3. bring out the attention or energy from people to focus on each other and 4. to minimize expectations.